Post by Misha
I was going through my old Medium account today and I found this thing that I’d forgotten I wrote about various mistakes from my young life.
My friends keep giving me coffee and pieces of burned toast and asking if I’m OK. If I’m sure. And if I’m definitely sure that I’m sure. The weird ringing in my ears and that delusional confidence behind my wildly fluttering eyelids let everyone know that I’m definitely lying.
But I just want to go home, do a bad job of brushing my teeth, and go to sleep knowing that when I wake up in tears and a confounding amount of what appears to be beach sand, it will at least be on my own bathroom floor.
I take every turn a little too wide or too tight and the left onto Lincoln feels extra weird but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Until probably three blocks later it hits me that you can’t make a left turn on a red. Not even when there’s no one coming. That’s not how driving works.
Don’t drink and drive. It’s a really bad idea.
And while we’re at it, also don’t drink Franzia. Not ever. Not even when you’re at a Halloween party and someone is dressed up as a Franzia box. Just laugh and move on.
Don’t decide to go to a party downtown after that last swig of wine-flavored mistake. Don’t be surprised when you wind up with your actual face on an actual downtown LA sidewalk. Definitely don’t think about what else has been on that sidewalk.
Call an Uber. Put in your home address, no other addresses.
Don’t vomit in the Uber but if you do, do it out the window, somewhere along the 10 freeway. Whatever else you feel about this moment, let that high velocity smear of bright fuschia puke represent a short but important list of things that could have gone way worse tonight.
Always thank your driver for getting you home safe.
And don’t leave your phone in the backseat.